FIRED UP

Episodes

Season One


Episode 1. "Fired." 4/0/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Arleen Sorkin, Paul Slansky, Victor Fresco.
Director: James Burrows.

PLOT

Gwen's life changes radically when she loses her job and is booted out of her condo. Gwen begs her former assistant Terry to take her on both as a roommate and a business partner.

GUEST CAST

Robert Costanzo
Francesca P. Roberts as Mrs. Francis.
Carol Ann Susi
Mark Davis as Ashley

LINES

"I should warn you, I like women who fight me."

"Ohhhh, yeah." (Trademark.)

"I took your advice.... I owe you, and I'd love to repay you."

"Here you are, Princess." (Calls Gwen 'Princess' throughout series.)


Episode 2. "The Next Day." 4/17/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Victor Fresco.
Director: James Burrows.

PLOT

Terry and Gwen clash over Guy's suggestion for their first client, an aspiring no-talent comedian who's the son of a mobster.

GUEST CAST

Austin Pendleton as Bobby H.
Francesca P. Roberts as Mrs. Francis
Todd Louiso as Little H
Vic Polizos as customer
Steven Hack as applicant

LINES

"Well, no, not the Mafia Mafia, it's more like a group of... well, technically criminals."

"You know, if there had been any real trouble, I would have thrown my body over you."


Episode 3. "Who's The Boss?" 4/24/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Arleen Sorkin, Paul Slansky.
Director: Max Tash.

PLOT

Terry masquerades as Gwen to prove that handling practical details is harder than coming up with promotional ideas. The client proves a challenge.

GUEST CAST

Kelsey Grammar as Tom Whitman
Judy Geeson as Alissa Leeds
Jack Heller as Maitre 'D

LINES

"It sparkles almost as much as your eyes."

"I know a lot of things. You've only scratched the surface."

"Because you have perfect breasts."

"Whoa, you're actually talking to me. Go on."

"You think she wouldn't need you? Nobody in their right mind wouldn't need you."


Episode 4. "They Sell Horses, Don't They?" 5/1/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Kit Boss.
Director: Rod Daniel.

PLOT

Gwen discovers she still owns a long-forgotten racehorse; Terry insists it be sold for office supplies. Gwen thinks the horse is still a winner.

GUEST CAST

Karl Malone as himself
Joseph V. Perry as Kenny
Lizette Carrion as Jenna
Roger Scott as man

LINES

"I'm the kind of guy that likes to go for the long shot."

"Well, that may work for you, but I'm gonna bet like a son of a bitch."

"Mister, you back off a little, can't you see you're scaring the lady?"

(After carrying big file cabinet upstairs) "Sweet mother of God, I can't feel my feet."

"I'm don't even know if I have my shoes on. And I think I deserve more than a drink."


Episode 5. "A Concurrent Affair" 5/8/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Mike Teverbaugh, Linda Teverbaugh.
Director: James Burrows.

PLOT

Gwen and Terry decide that the rule is 'never date a client' when they both fall for the same one. But then he turns on the charm-- to both of them.

GUEST CAST

D.W. Moffett as James Collins
Sean G. Griffin as Officer Mike
Richard Steinmetz as customer

LINES

"You're cleaning? Ah, it kills me to think of you up in that loft, scrubbing those floors with those little princess fingers-- although the thought of you on your hands and knees, wearing a pair of those tight rubber gloves..."

"You call this super-charged sexual tension that is palpable to everyone in this room, nothing?" Gwen: Yes. "Asked and answered."

(About naked man lowering himself on fire escape) "Oh look, there's a crack in the window."

(About newspaper same man has wrapped around his hips) "Oh my God, that's my newspaper. Damn, (peering at it) the Yankees lost."

"Don't be discouraged, Princess, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." (Gwen kisses him)


Episode 6. "The Rules." 5/15/1997, 8:30.

CREDITS

Writers: Aron Abrams, Gregory Thompson.
Director: David Lee.

PLOT

One bathroom-- three roommates. Result: more house rules, a borrowed tub, and a flood.

GUEST CAST

Francesca P. Roberts as Mrs. Francis
Leslie Bibb as Lana
J. D. Hall as Mr. Francis
Peter Kim as Mr. Kim
Lucille Soong as Mrs. Kim
Kevin Spirtas as John
Christopher Cass as customer

LINES

"He's eating ice cream off models?" Danny: Sorry I'm late. "No, no, no, you forget about it. You're a gooood boy." (patting his face)


Episode 7. "Are We Not Friends?" 5/15/1997, 9:30.

CREDITS

Writer: Michael A. Ross, Thom Bray.
Director: Will Mackenzie.

PLOT

Gwen is too ashamed to attend a party in a gown her friends have seen before, so Terry makes her a new gown-- which gets torn.

GUEST CAST

Mark Davis as Ashley
Valerie Wildman as Silvia
Wendy Schaal as Susan
Jilly Mack as Eleanor
James Paradise as Emcee

COMMENTS

This is the best JB episode, IMO. Great scene with Ashley, good comeuppance for Gwen in the scene at the party, and the tux looks great.

COSTUME

Gorgeous tux with black and silver brocade vest.

LINES

"But, hey, look at me now--here I am, in my own bar, with a beautiful woman, who I know in her heart wants me, even though she keeps me at arm's length."

"All I'm saying, Princess, is life throws you curves."

(To Ashley) "You wore silver when you were Courtney Love!"

"I have a tuxedo-- and I just had it dyed black."

Gwen: This is not a date. "Umm. Then I won't wear my fancy underwear."

(To Gwen) "Ohhh... I can't be cool about this. You look magnificent."

"After four Halloweens of Ashley saying, Daddy, I don't want to be Superman, I want to be Lois Lane, I finally poured myself a stiff drink and realized if I loved my little boy, I better learn how to sew."

(After Gwen introduces him as a Spanish Count): "If you're ever in Spain, or as we say, Espana, you must visit my vineyards." (Burbles fluent Spanish.)

Gwen: I'm living with... him. "Well, I was a little reluctant at first, but she begged me. My little hellcat." (Kisses her enough to fluster)

"You know, isn't this something, escorting two of my favorite people on the same night and in the same dress. My heart is full."

"Now admit it, Countess, that kiss was unforgettable."


Episode 8. "Under Pressure." 6/23/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Danny Zuker.
Director: James Burrows.

PLOT

Gwen convinces Terry to produce an infomercial, and to sell the product themselves. All they need is a celebrity-- and a product.

GUEST CAST

June Lockhart as herself
Francesca P. Roberts as Mrs. Francis
Robert Silver as Mr. Talofa
Andrea Stein as customer

LINES

"And suddenly we're talking about my pants."

"My pants and I would be happy to help."

"You hear that? She just called me magnificent."

"Miss Lockhart! Oh, I love you! Can I get you a drink?"

"Does this mean we have to give back the socks?"

"I don't like things that explode."

Season Two


Episode 9. "The Mother of All Gwens." 9/22/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Victor Fresco.
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel.

PLOT

Gwen must teach her mother how to live without wealth when her latest husband dies without leaving her a cent.

GUEST CAST

Dixie Carter as Rita
Douglas Rowe as handsome man
Terence Richard Jackson as produce man
Eva Spencer as checker

COSTUME

Western outfit includes gray cowboy hat, silver bolo tie, and gray cowboy boots. Trapper outfit is fringed buckskin with a fur cap and moccasins.

LINES

(Insisting Danny wear a hat) "Nah, sorry, if it's country night this Tuesday in the cabaret, then it's gonna be country night on your noggin."

"Least you're behind the bar, you don't have to wear these boots. These suckers don't make any sense unless your foot's shaped like a slice of pie."

"I wish I was a clown. My shoes would be bigger."

"Country music, the Old West, trappers, they all swim in the same soup. The important thing is this outfit comes with (puts foot on counter) moccasins."


Episode 10. "Truth and Consequences." 9/29/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Arleen Sorkin, Paul Slansky.
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel.

PLOT

Gwen and Terry have trouble landing a cosmetics account. Ashley gets a bad review for his one-man show and quits female impersonating. Guy first gives him a job, then recruits Ashley's idol to get him back to his true calling.

GUEST CAST

Mark Davis as Ashley
Dennis Lipscomb as Donnie Rhymer
Mary Page Keller as Roberta York
Leigh-Allyn Baker as Janet
Karla DeVito as woman

COMMENTS

"Donnie Rhymer" must be an in joke-see writer of episode 16. When Ashley's in drag Guy escorts him on his arm and holds the door for him.

LINES

(To Ashley) "All I'm saying is, you gotta give the audience some of the standards, Streisand, Garland, Channing. Then, when you have them eating out of your opera glove, that's when you go to Janet Reno riding the mechanical bull."

"Now, Ashley, I think we both know I can accept almost anything. All right, son, go out there and show them what you've got -- except for the obvious."

"Always wanted to work side by side with my boy."

"He doesn't belong here making Tom Collins, he should be on stage doing Joan Collins."

"I just want him to be happy and he's not happy like this. For God's sake, this morning he was wearing Dockers."

"Ah, son, if I had a gift like that... well, you wouldn't be here. You look, Ashley, if this is what you love to do, you don't let anybody take it away from you."


Episode 11. "You Don't Know Jack." 10/6/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Kit Ross.
Director: Jeff Melman.

PLOT

Somehow, promotion ideas are being stolen, so Terry goes undercover in a rival's firm.

GUEST CAST

Geoffrey Blake as Jack Goodman
Timothy Omundson as Scott
James Hampton as Ben Franklin
Kelsey Grammer as Tom Whitman
Jode Leigh Edwards as Sherrie

COMMENTS

Guy has musicians waiting in his apartment with a candlelight dinner for Gwen.

LINES

"Don't you worry, Princess, I'm sure this guy is not fit to lick your boots. I, however..."


Episode 12. "Swallow Your Bliss." 10/13/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Aron Abrams, Gregory Thompson.
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel.

PLOT

Gwen urges Mrs. Francis to quit government work and follow her dream. Danny sells a play and gets an agent.

GUEST CAST

Francesca P. Roberts as Mrs. Francis
Timothy Omundson as Scott
Benjamin Brown as customer
Andy Siegel as customer
Mark McPherson as chimp
Ron Ostrow as bear #1
Carey Goldstein as bear #2

LINES

"Our customers like their martinis shaken, not danced."

"This woman is nuts. She threw meat at me! No one has ever thrown meat at me!"

"I never had this problem with Carl, and Carl killed a guy."


Episode 13. "Total Recall." 10/20/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Mike Teverbaugh, Linda Teverbaugh. Director: Gordon Hunt.

PLOT

A wrong number connects Gwen to a guy with a sexy voice. Terry urges her to accept a date with him, and he turns out to be Terry's dad. Meanwhile, Terry finds out that it's Guy's birthday, and plans a party, against Guy's wishes.

GUEST CAST

Jack Scalia as Frank Reynolds
Benjamin Brown as Jim
Sean G. Griffin as Officer Mike
Nelson Mashita as Waiter

COMMENTS

Nice screaming scene as all the party disasters hit, and Guy flees the bar, tangled in balloons.

LINES

"For you, Princess. Something beautiful for someone beautiful."

"I don't want another party as long as I live. Pain and tragedy are still pain and tragedy, even if there's cake."

"No, this is a cry for help. (yells) Don't throw me a party!"


Episode 14. "Beat The Clock." 10/27/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Aron Abrams, Gregory Thompson.
Director: Pam Fryman.

PLOT

The broken clock outside their apartment keeps Gwen awake, so she goes to the landlord, despite Terry's warnings.

GUEST CAST

Mark Davis as Ashley
John de Lancie as Mr. Lux
Benjamin Brown as Jim
Jean Speegle Howard (Ron Howard's actress mother) as Mrs. Morton
David Correia as Leo
Eric Bizot as waiter

LINES

"Aw, Princess, let it go. The last time that clock ran, my hair was in braids. '67. Summer of love."

"Any fake hawk in a clock scheme faces those challenges."


Episode 15. "The Baby-sitter's Club." 11/10/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Bill Barol.
Director: Pamela Fryman.

PLOT

Gwen offers to babysit so Terry can have a night on the town with two old friends.

GUEST CAST

Nicole Sullivan as Debbie
Janelle Ginestra as Molly
David Dundara as Joey
J. B. Gaynor as David
Morina Pierce as Beverly
Jennifer Joyston as Didi
Tracy Villar as Gina

LINES

"Look sweetheart, in my bar we keep things simple... why? Because I'm a guy named Guy."

"I like that you don't like it."

"That silence you hear-- that's kid for 'yes.'"


Episode 16. "In Your Dreams." 11/17/1997.

CREDITS

Writer: Don Rhymer.
Director: Will Mackenzie.

PLOT

When Guy goes out with a new girlfriend, Gwen is haunted by "Soul Train" themed dreams. There is a big full-cast production number of the song.

GUEST CAST

Mark Davis as Ashley
Don Cornelius as himself
Timothy Omundson as Scott
Phil Leeds as Marty
Lisa Thornhill as Kelly Jenkins

COMMENTS

In musical number, Guy contributes some strutting, some "oh, yeah's," and gets to be dragged on stage by the girl trio for a final kiss.

LINES

"Nah, we broke up. She was a little too into role playing. I mean, I enjoyed the pirate and the saucy wench, and even Little Red Riding Hood and the wolf, but when she wanted us to do Dean and Jerry, I knew I was in over my head."


Episode 17. "Honey, I Shrunk the Turkey." 11/24/1997. CREDITS

Writer: Kit Boss.
Director: Ken Levine.

PLOT

Gwen plans to learn to cook, beginning with Thanksgiving dinner, but Danny forgets to pick up the turkey and then her mom arrives unexpectedly.

GUEST CAST

Mark Davis as Ashley
Randee Heller as Tina Reynolds
John Aniston as Gordon
Dixie Carter as Rita
Al Ruscio as Manny
Brooks Almy as cab woman
Bud Sabatino as counter man

LINES

"Who's this Gordon? I'll kick his pumpkin butt."

"Now he's gonna take advantage of the situation cause it's Thanksgiving and he's got you by the giblets."


Episode 18. "Ten Grand A Dance." 12/1/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Aron Abrams, Gregory Thompson.
Director: Will Mackenzie.

PLOT

Gwen and Terry are auctioned off in a charity event. Gwen ends up with a former high school geek that always wanted her, and Terry ends up with Danny's slimy agent.

GUEST CAST

Andrew Hill Newman as Brian
Timothy Omundson as Scott
Randee Heller as Tina Reynolds
Tom Wilson as Steve Summer
Christine Moore as Betsy
Eric Scott Woods as Ralph

LINES

"Not that's it's any of your business, I'm buying a woman."

"For twenty-five large the guy is probably expecting a lot more than just a date. I know I was and I was only in for a grand."

(About Gwen in prom dress with ruffles) "I wanna feel bad for you, Princess, no, really I do, but I'm way too amused."

(About geeks) "Aw, Princess, they want to be acknowledged. They want to know that they matter."


Episode 19. "Where There's Smoke..." 12/22/1997.

CREDITS

Writers: Thom Bray, Michael A. Ross.
Director: Will Mackenzie.

PLOT

Gwen's in a standoff when neither she nor the man she is attracted to wants to be the first to admit the attraction.

GUEST CAST

Scott Patterson as Mickey
Jean Speegle Howard as Mrs. Morton
Tom Silardi as paramedic
Michael Mitz as man #1
Lee Allan as man #2

LINES

"I've gotta pull the plug on this-- people, people, please, there are some bad napkins going around this bar."


Episode 20. "You Go, Boss." 1/12/1998.

CREDITS

Writer: Kit Boss.
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel.

PLOT

Gwen gives an old high school acquaintance a job. Danny's doing a write-up on Guy for a bar-keeping magazine and thinks Guy may have a secret past.

GUEST CAST

Tom Wilson as Steve Summer
Ron Ostrow as soldier

COMMENTS

Things Danny finds out about Guy include the fact he opened the bar in 1982; was in Vietnam, can't say which government branch paid him; he worked for environmental group the Ocean Avengers; and there's money from an unspecified South American country with his picture on it.

COSTUME

For Civil War re-enactment, he's General Grant, in uniform, hat, and beard.

LINES

"Just don't talk to the champagne flutes-- they've been mad at me ever since I dropped their leader."

"Fact, I've said too much already. By the way, that little bit of craziness with Sandra Day O'Connor-- that's off the record."

"I was traveling under the name Freddie Montenegro. I can't tell you why."


Episode 21. "Beauty and the Priests." 1/19/1998.

CREDITS

Writer: Bill Barol.
Director: Leonard Garner, Jr.

PLOT

Terry volunteers herself and Gwen to help the local Catholic Church. Gwen assists in the thrift shop, and cuts herself great deals on clothes she wants. Terry ends up dating three 4th year seminary students.

GUEST CAST

Pat Crawford Brown as Sister Mary Grace
Adrian Sparks as Monsignor MacNeill
Eddie Bowz as Anthony
Paul Cassell as Bob
Hamilton Von Watts as Rick
Patricia Place as customer
Andre Jamal Kinney as small boy

LINES

"Oh, Princess, in all the years I went to Catholic school, I learned one thing-Fear nuns."

"Also, and my religion is a little rusty, but I'm pretty sure, you cheat the church, you might as well wear a lightning rod hat."

"I just hope that overcoat has a zip-out lining in case I go to Hell."

"Terry, this isn't what they mean by becoming more active in the church."

"You're not packing a ruler, are you, Sister?"

"I cannot believe that you squealed on me. I come home, there are two nuns sitting in a black Buick parked across the street from my building. They were on me before I could get my keys outta my pants."


Episode 22. "Mission: And A-Hopin'." 1/26/1998.

CREDITS

Writer: Mike Teverbaugh, Linda Teverbaugh.
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel.

PLOT

Terry is on medication and pays the rent from the business account. The landlord might evict them for running a business from the rent-controlled loft. Imaginary "Mission: Impossible" scenario as they try to get the check back.

GUEST CAST

John de Lancie as Mr. Lux

COMMENTS

Special "Mission: Impossible" credit run and music. Guy gets to kiss Mr. Lux.

COSTUME

M:I period narrow ties. Guy plays Dr. Helmut Von Schnell, international bird smuggler, and has European styled suits, and a mustache. As part of the M:I team set up, he wears a blue moving man coverall with "Television Removal Service" on back. He has a fudgsicle, too.

LINES

"Well, it's going to be difficult but... I'm the best."

"Oh, forget about her. Now it is just us."

(Kisses Lux.) "You were magnificent."


Episode 23. "Fire and Nice." 2/9/1998.

CREDITS

Writer: Dwight D. Smith.
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel.

PLOT

Gwen wants Mickey to wait till the fifth date for sex, Mickey wants spontaneity.

GUEST CAST

Tom Wilson as Steve Summer
Scott Patterson as Mickey
Iqbal Theba as driver
Nancy Kandal as flower lady
Richard Augustine as punk

COMMENTS

Guy served in the 101st Airborne in Vietnam, based at Khe Sanh.

LINES

"Siddown. First you support the arts, then you get the cheap booze."


Episode 24. "Pajama Game." Syndicated.

CREDITS

Writers: Lu Abbott and Stacey Berman-Woodward.

Director: Lee Shallat Chemel

PLOT

Ashley gets a part in an off-Broadway play as a baseball player and asks Guy and Danny to coach him in straight male behavior. Gwen goes camping with Mickey.

GUEST CAST

Mark Davis as Ashley Mann
Nicole Sullivan as Debbie
Deborah Stile as Waitress

LINES

"Son, you got it all wrong. It's all good fun. Few high fives, couple of chest bumps, a few slaps on the rear end... okay, so sports is totally gay."

"All right, Ashley, now we've covered the blank start, how to spill something on your shirt and not scream, and manly throat clearing."

"Congratulations on getting the part, son, you're gonna make a great baseball player."


Episode 25. "What I Really Want To Be is Direct." Syndicated.

CREDITS

Writers: Arleen Sorkin and Paul Slansky
Director: Randy Suhr

PLOT

Terry is too soft-hearted to break up with Steve, so she has Gwen do it. Guy and Danny use money and a watch from the bar's Lost and Found to buy Knicks' tickets.

GUEST CAST

Tom Wilson as Steve Summer
Al Ruscio as Scalper "Max"
William Bogart as Man
Ruth Engel as Woman

LINES

"Ohhh. I love puppies and it kills me when they cough."

"I'm a bad, bad, man. But we're going to the Knick's game."

"Well, I think we've learned our lesson about taking money and watches... don't take watches."


Episode 26. "Lustline." Syndicated.

CREDITS

Writers: Story by Bill Barol; Teleplay by Michael A. Rioss and Thom Bray
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel

PLOT

A famous MTV call-in love advice show "Loveline" is on location in New York City. Terry arranges a live feed from Clockworks. Danny has called the show because seeing Gwen in the apartment wearing just a towel is getting him excited. Terry ends up dishing out bad advice.

GUEST CAST

Adam Corolla as himself
Dr. Drew Pinskey as himself
Diane Farr as herself
Caroline Keenan as Lisa
Chris Ellwood as Bruce
Kiva Dawson as Wendy
Jean Speegle Howard as Mrs. Morton

LINES

"So this is hip-cigars, martinis, couple of guys wearin' fedoras... You know what would really score in a crowd like this? My father."

"They've been comin' in all day. Only one problem... I hate 'em all."

"Here's a dollar. Go read something."


Episode 27. "Domestic Bliss." Syndicated.

CREDITS

Writer: Craig Hoffman
Director: Lee Shallat Chemel

PLOT

Gwen's health insurance company drops her when they can't find her check. She convinces Terry to pretend to be her lesbian domestic partner so she can be on Terry's policy and get her thyroid medication. Guy's position as "Mr. New York" is threatened by a pretender to that position and the two compete to see who is best, after a "High Noon" style showdown.

GUEST CAST

Randee Heller as Tina Reynolds
Kenneth Kimmins as Mr. Kimble
Jon Polito as Sam Harris
Tom Wilson as Steve Summer
Ron Ostrow as Johny
Theresa Mulligan as Woman (Theresa)

LINES

"Ohhh. I can't fight an insurance company. That's how the previous Mr. New York went mad. But I might be able to set you up with a new thyroid. It's a baboon's, but it's hardly been used."

"I don't believe we've seen you around before, stranger. You got a name?"

"That is, if you're New Yorky enough."

"Steve, do you know how to use a turnstile?"

"I only got tenth row, but at least no one's laughing at me in bed."

"Now, you wanna see your car again, you'll reinstate her insurance."

"Are you sure you want to mess with me?"

(Final line of the episode is Gwen to Guy "You will always be my Mr. New York" followed by a kiss on the cheek.)


Episode 28. "With Sex, You Get Eggroll." Syndicated.

CREDITS

Writers: Michael A. Ross and Thom Bray
Director: Max Tash

PLOT

Gwen and Terry help Mrs. Francis open a restaurant. Danny meets a well-known lesbian singer.

GUEST CAST

Joni Allen as Roxanne Crawford
Yelba Osorio as Waitress
Taro Alexander as Punk
Benjamin Brown as Customer #1